This was my first big RPG illustrations contract and I had a big anxiety attack while working on the illustrations and I nearly withdrew from the project, but Kabuki Kaiser was understanding and supportive and I was able to finish my illustrations! It was a big step for me in learning to manage my anxiety, I am glad that I did it. A bit thanks to Kabuki for his support, I learned a lot with this project!
This may seem silly but tonight while walking home I looked at my shadow and I thought "hey this is me, I am really a woman now..."
I had my meeting with my editors tonight. Going there was pretty intense. I was unsure about my makeup and my dress was too light, the wind blew heavily and messed really badly my hairs. All this combined made me super anxious and I started thinking that I was not passing, and once I started doubting myself I started panicking knowing that being self confident is what really make us pass or not. I nearly cried and I was really tempted to walk back home.
But I did not, I walked to the bar and I used the bathroom as a refuge. I tried to arrange my hairs but they were too tangled, I was really uncertain of what I looked like. My editors arrived and texted me. I took a deep breath and I joined them. I told them I was not feeling super well and I explained why. After a few minutes we started talking comic books and the meeting went very well. :)
I am glad that I stood by myself.
While walking home I was pretty emotional and when I saw my shadow I strongly felt who I am now.
I am super determined now to go to Expozine and to exist as a woman and a comic book author.
I have a minor role in this one because at the time I was too busy with a big commission so Brian took the helm and piloted this issue. He made a very good soup and I contributed a dozen illustration to the potage.
"A second helping of Chromatic Soup, this time with an Applachian Autumnal Americana vibe. Designed for use with OSR rulings, specifically Labyrinth Lord, but easily converted to any system of note you might be using. Within: The Hobo, a character class of wandering wastrels. An alternative Halfling culture built around rousing the hue-and-cry. Tragic cicada-men who will succumb to bestial instincts in time. Crystalline serpents, a town of wandering miscreants, and devils who fell their way to earth and are looking to make a deal. Additionally; a gaggle of random generator charts for food, soups (pocket and otherwise), mementos of a previous life lived, strange deals, and a good many random encounters fleshed out to give a sense of place while wandering this western autumnal wilderlands." You can also check out the free pdf version: drive.google.com - Chromatic Soup 02 PDF - With Cover.pdf Many thanks to everybody who contributed, especially Brian who saved this issue. :) I will be back at the helm for issue 03 but I dont know yet when I will re-open the kitchen. Brian made some links between issue 02 and the first one, so maybe we will assume this and continue to explore the setting that is emerging to flesh out the lands of the north in Soup 03.
Yesterday I had to take the metro for the first time in "girl mode" to meet with some of my friends in a bar (Le Cheval Blanc).
I was super nervous but everything went well.
Walking outside at night now feel pretty natural and kind of normal.
But being in the metro made me feel quite uncomfortable, I felt super exposed standing still under the neon lights. Nothing bad happened but still it was not easy. But once I was outside I was super proud of myself for this little accomplishment.
I realize how much people are trained to not look around them or at other people (their phone helping for this).
My night in the bar was also my first time as myself in a public space. I was a bit nervous when I entered but once I meet my friends, I easily felt at ease. So a other tiny accomplishment! :)
This evening was super encouraging. But I also realized that I need to spend a lot more of money on clothing, makeup, etc and other transition stuff. But hey one step at a time.
I am thinking of opening a new blog to talk about my more personal stuff. To keep the Chaudron focused on gaming art. But I will see...
Some time ago in a Google+ post I asked for a nomadic race of creature that travel long distances on foot. I would like someday to draw a large banner of a caravan of them walking in the desert.
Here is our discussion, this is how I liked to use G+. <3
The tortoisefolk are huge and heavy, strong as mountains, about as quick. They wander the midlands, all their possessions lashed to their shelled backs in towering heaps of chests and barrels bags sacks crates and bundles. They sway along, singing slow low songs, almost too deep for human ears to hear, felt like a rumble in the chest. When the stars are right, they unship their possessions, raise their yurts into the shape of the prevailing moon and stomp down a dancing circle in the middle, where they perform their stamp-dances to raise good fortune for the next leg of their endless migration.
Ok there is a second species that follows them around. They are dependent of the tortoises. The tortoises tolerates them and may see some minor benefits in their presence.
In nature, there are several small breeds of finch which follow large tortoises around and eat the bugs and other small parasites that live in and around their folds and shells. Could be something like that maybe?
I really need Finchfolk in my life. I'm imagining a bright little fatbird in a hooded jerkin.
Did they lose their ability to fly?
flightless, but they build kites from reeds and precious waxed paper, and the tortoises will tow the lead-lines, letting the finchins soar like their ancestors.
Given that they have followed the tortoise folk for generations, perhaps they simply forgot how. Perhaps it is part of their cultural history to revere the wind and sky and their ancestors who were so much closer to it.
Which, with the addition of kites, I now see the long lines of tortoises having colorful banners on thin poles whipping in the wind as they travel. Sometimes it's all you can see above the dust.
I am trying to draw a bunch of characters walking together. I am having a bit of difficulty finding how to draw their back shell so that it don't unbalance their walk. I am tempted now to let them walk on four legs when they do long distances. I wonder if a back shell would be of any use to a upright bipedal humanoid.
In my head they were walking on all fours. Even monkeys who theoretically can walk on two legs and use their hands for everything usually travel on all fours.
yeah I think this make more sense.
I imagined them curved over in a hunch, short back legs, longer arms that could double as legs. Their load would sway gently, a counter motion to their stride not unlike the subtle sway of people carrying loads on their head.
I will try to draw them walking on four legs using their knuckles like a gorilla.
Perhaps more than one can cooperate, each carrying the corner of a large palanquin or pallet. Maybe they carry their Holly of Hollies with them, a temple of driftwood timbers preserved from their ancient island home, before they crossed to the mainland.
Short legs and big gorilla like forearms, I like this visually.
Had an idea - you know how some bit tortoises have big spike-like forms on their shells and limbs? The tortoisfolk would carve and round these into tie-down points to lash their loads to.
Pretty sure the finch-folk also hang little baskets for the young and elderly off these.
this is magnificent. Nest Baskets. Kites with bright ribbon tails. Its such a great mix of dour and steadfast and bright and flighty.
Finchfolk are a short-lived people. They hatch from eggs, grow to maturity in a couple of years, and are venerable in their 30's. They are incredibly verbose, chattering constantly - they maintain their oral culture not by using the elderly as a repository, but by getting everyone up to speed incredibly quickly.
By contrast, the tortoisfolk are incredibly long-lived, reproduce only rarely (and indifferently), and are tough enough that this survival strategy works for them. So they're routinely a thousand plus years old, and would have seen generation after generation of finchfolk. Perhaps each finch family considers one of the tortoises to be 'theirs' - like a senior family member. "Grandad" or "Nanna". Each finch family anchors to one tortoise. And despite being dower and grumpy, the tortoises are very protective of their finches, and endure having their shells painted gaudy colors, and their belaying horns hung with shiny found objects and ribbon and the artwork of a hundred generation of fenchlings.
I bet some of the tortoises are like the Ents in Lord of the Rings; super talkative about sleep inducing subjects of utmost interest to elderly tortoise folk.